Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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