this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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