He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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