And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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