dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
