My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I have post one night stand depression
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