Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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