I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
