i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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