I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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