I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
