I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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