Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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