I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
