first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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