I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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