Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
