Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
