When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
