I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
