And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
