we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I look better un-naked...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
