I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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