Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
