don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
