The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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