He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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