my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
