Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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