I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
