i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize