my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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