In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
