wrigley field is MILF paradise
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
These tits shall not be calmed
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