It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
