you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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