The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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