What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Is it penis luge time yet?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
