she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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