I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
