What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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