I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
