I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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