Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
