At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
