she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
