the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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