Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
