Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
