I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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