i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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