hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize