Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
