I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
