My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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