i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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