I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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