he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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