It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
