I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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