Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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