i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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