I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
