just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
