Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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